Struggles.

 I'm 31 now. Can you believe it? Haha.

Hidup kan, memang mencabar. Setiap hari aku struggle nak survive. Isu kerja, isu diri. Sebab tu orang kata, kau kalau kerja dalam bidang yang kau minat, hari-hari kau datang kerja pun gembira.

Aku kan...taktahu la ni bidang yang aku nak buat sampai pencen ke tak. Setiap hari aku wonder. Tapi bila fikir, kalau aku tak buat kerja ni, apa yang aku boleh buat?

Skills? Setakat ni aku rasa aku tak ada particular skill yang aku boleh proudly kata aku excel on it. Nak join creative sides pun, aku ni creative sekejap je. Bila aku dah bosan memang creative block terus. Nak sambung study pun aku takde interest. 

Soal jodoh memang setakat ni bukan priority lagi, tapi aku kesian dekat Mama sebab aku tahu dia sentiasa doa jodoh aku cepat sampai. Dan aku tahu, jodoh ni kan kau kena cari. Aku....sedikit penat mencari. Nak jumpa yang sekufu tu....fuh. Ada la sekali dua aku rasa aku dah jumpa yang more or less sekufu, tapi banyak betul dugaan lepastu. Dah, tutup cerita lama.

Anyway, I'm back here because I don't think that my mental health is in a good condition. I feel like I need to journal things here. I need to type it out and sort it out so that my mind tak bercelaru sangat.

Will be here frequent after this. Till then, teruskan hidup, diri. Kau boleh.

29.

I am, still, at the age of 29, easily triggered with work. My anxiety--I mean. The feeling of wanting to be the best but not that motivated to work towards being the best is quite confusing. Sometimes, I feel like being too considerate with others actually frustrate me. Because they don't reciprocate-- I don't get the same treatment as how I treated them. 

Life at 27.

 It's been a while since the last time I wrote something here. 3 years? 2.5 years?

How's life? Life has been challenging, again. I wasn't here much if I have nothing on my mind. Meaning, I was living same old life since 2-3 years ago and nothing that severely bugging me. But now I am here again, since I need a platform to rant.

I can't write, my handwriting is too ugly. Seriously. 

Anyway, I'm 27 years old now. Still single, not in a relationship but not really looking for one too. I just love being single and on my own, though sometimes I do feel lonely and want to be comfort by someone. Work-wise, I managed to score a permanent job, Alhamdulillah. However, I'm at the other side of the Malaysia now-- no longer at my birth place. Totally whole new place and work routine. It has been 3 months since I reported to this new workplace, and to be honest, it's not easy to adapt. I was severely stressed out in the first two months. I was reaching out for someone to soothe me. I still, struggle though. The thoughts about quitting hit me up couple of times, but since it's Corona pandemic, I don't think it's wise to quit any job. People are being laid off, economic has been struggling. I should hold onto anything right now.

I'm giving myself one year to get this thing blend in. If after one year I still have this shitty feelings, I might need to do something about it. 

27 is not easy. Man, I was struggling too at 17. What is it with me and anything with 7 at the end?

Unintended friendzone

Because deep down, we both know this is going nowhere. We're friends, for good.

As I stand at the side of the stage, waiting for my turn to go up the stage to receive the scroll, I looked at the audience seats, searching.

Searching for someone that I really wish was there. In my mind, I could see him waving at me while giving me the biggest smile that he always give to show that he's proud of me.

Pa, adik harap sangat Papa bangga dengan Adik. I've made it, I've made your dream came true.

Sometimes, I re-read everything that I wrote here just to walk back to my past. To see what I've been through, what I've endured and just to see how fast time flies.

Sometimes, I think I need some mental help. Just to keep my mental health, healthy. I know I look fine outside, but inside I've been enduring a lot. Too many trauma I'm facing that I didn't tell anybody.

Since Dad left, I've always thought of being left alone suddenly (again). Hence, I keep on looking at Mom's body when she's sleeping --to see if she's breathing normally. While lying in bed to sleep at night, I keep thinking will I see Mom again tomorrow morning. I'll feel reassured when I hear noises from the kitchen the next morning, knowing that Mom is still there with me.

I've many things that I'm afraid of, especially afraid of being left alone in this world.

Dad, I miss you so much.

Risau. Semalam aku main jawab je exam. Dah 30 mins pertama berlalu baru aku mcm "weh ni exam. Jawab bebetul."

Tapi still, aku risau. Aku risau kelaut paper tu. Allahu T.T